Butterfly Kisses and Dogwood Dreams just my blog about my life.

Where do I begin, or hell where do I even go from here?

I swore I was going to get back into this blog…. You know bring it back to where it used to be. But honestly… things have changed sooo much in my life that I don’t know how to so that.

Mainly do to those stalkers and such I cannot post anything personal which was what my blog was all about, it was personal. Now if I post anything I have to make sure it offends none of the family or the husband…

So what is the point? If I cannot be me why bother?

Well here we are… first full week of a new year. 2010… who’d a thunk it right?
Anyway… the year went out the same as always I reckon… was glad to see it go.

We have all had the sicks, including my pneumonia. Not making for everyone doing well I can tell ya that. It’s been a rough go.
Hopefully the new year will bring on changes to things, or else there will be big changes in the works.

Goals for this year are to get my self and my health back on track. Have 100 pounds to lose and HAVE to get over this pneumonia and get busy on housework etc. Hubby is tired of my being sick.

Well guess that is it for right now.

So a while back, before the move etc, I was having some pretty major things going on medically. I would get stroke like symptoms a lot. Numbness in my arm, face, slurring speech etc then BOOOM migraine. Scary times… Dr finally said he thought it was just symptoms to my migraine, that sometimes you can get the same symptoms. Put me on neurotin to try to help prevent migraines. Well it has helped some… but I still get them. Either way… my big question is what if I have a stroke? If the symptoms are the same and I get regular migraines with those symptoms what would happen? I would ignore them thinking they were a migraine right? gah…
Of course the chances of a stroke are slim to none but y’all know me, I worry about slim to none things. lol

Anyway… been busy, had a fibro flare, wasn’t as bad as some but was enough to make things very hard. Been keeping up with housework though. Not enough to make everyone happy but enough to have clean dishes to eat off of and clean clothes to wear and keep the house where one can walk through it etc… house isn’t filthy but not prefect. But I am not prefect and neither is life. I do the best I can, that is all I can do.

I have been suffering from fibro fog. Did I wash clothes today? Are there any in the dryer? forgetting to start said dryer after loading it. Duh…
I hate that. having to struggle thinking of words or what something is. Or misspelling something when I know how to spell it.
You know how it goes.

Ok well… that is a bout it… I have tons to say but typing hurts sometimes.

What I wouldn’t give to have my 16 yr old body back and the life experience I have now. lol

Refuse to be unhappy;
be cheerful instead.
Refuse to let your troubles multiply;
just take them one by one.
Organize your time; keep your life simple
and exactly the way you want it.
Refuse to complain about things;
learn to improve your surroundings
and create your world
the way you believe it should be.
Refuse to dwell on the mistakes
or disappointments
that are sometimes a part of life;
instead learn how you can
make things better.
Be optimistic.
Be energetic and positive
about the things you do,
and always hope for the best.
Believe in yourself at all times
and all aspects of your life.
Before you know it,
those wonderful dreams
you have believed in all you life
will come true,
and your life will be
the happy and successful life
that it was meant to be.
–Ben Daniels

Again…

I keep forgetting, or don’t have time to blog. Sorry

not to much going on… the usual.

I am struggling to find myself in the midst of pain fibro fog and anxiety. Sometimes it is not so easy. Hell most of the time it isn’t easy.

i think that is why it is so hard to blog anymore… I don’t want to just be whiney. But sometimes I have to get these things out. At home there are no excuses for things. Here i can say, I didn’t feel like unpacking that box. It is easier sitting in front of a computer than mopping the floor. it isn’t that I was being lazy and just didn’t do it because I didn’t want to. I just hurt so bad and was so tired I just could not make my self move. But… oh well….

I guess it all doesn’t matter.

So my new dr is great. which takes a ton of worry off me. he also right off recommended a new dr in the area who specializes in fibromyalgia! I am so tickled…

At least there is hope for me to maybe get this under control enough I can feel human or at least close to human again. I want my life back.

Working on a blanket for my grand daughter for her bday coming up. Then need to make a blanket for our solider over yonder, winter will be cold there and he’d like one so I heard… we sure miss him… and we pray daily for his safety.

Thats about it for right now need to get busy with my craft room/guestroom again…. morning dr visits mess my day up… lol

Hard to get back into the habit of blogging again.  With facebook and chatting it seems almost moot at times to come here. But sometimes it is better to just talk to myself so here I am.

Talking to myself.

I moved all the boxes from the guest room/craft room out and then into the closet there organized and at least out of the way. now to just tidy up and it will be ready for company and for setting up the crafty part of it. now the pain sits in. I am in so much pain right now I have tears rolling down my face. I am so tired of hurting when I do things or hurting too much to do something or being so tired I just cannot hardly move.

Then I feel guilty and get anxious then I hurt worse. Vicious cycle…

Things have not bee good around here. I have not been very productive in being a housewife. Which makes for an unhappy family. I am trying to be better, honest to god I am, but sometimes I just cannot do it. I do what I can. I have to force myself to do it.  My problem is sometimes I don’t force myself to do anything and therein lies the problem.

so, in order to keep my family together I will try my best to push myself to do everything that I can do to make my family happy again. I want my happy family back.

My problem is, I think in how much it hurt to do something, if I am hurting worse, then what ever I did was good enough. I cannot think in that way any longer. Nothing is ever good enough. It is time I realized that. Nothing is good enough unless my family is happy with it.  I cannot stop.

there are no excuses in not keeping your family happy. I canot use my fibromyalgia or my anxiety as an excuse any longer.

So I will try my best to just deal with it and be productive.

tomorrow I go to the new dr, I hate new drs and new insurance. I am so worried this dr will be one who doesn’t believe in fibro or is just a jackass… so I am really worked up about this apt.

i need something for pain and thats scares me too… I am so scared they will think I am some druggy wanting pain meds….but I do… I cannot keep my family together unless I can function on a daily basis and some days I just hurt to bad to function.

… that’s where I am right now…

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Morning, finally got our wireless network set up so no more dial up.

I do not understand the way life works sometimes… I think i am doing a good thing, something that will make everyone happy and is what I am to do, but no, it isn’t. It always goes wrong. What is wrong with me?

It was mentioned maybe I was bipolar…

I don’t know…

I am just tired of being sick and tired.

Wow… it has been so long since I blogged that I do not know where to begin…. I guess I should let you know why I stopped in the first place.

When the “fit hit the shan” at a social networking site for crafters in which a group of people, myself included, was falsely accused of nasty horrible things, my blog became a place where people came to look for trouble. I had posted my side of said events and was promptly ridiculed, crucified, and harassed by those who wish to just stir trouble and hurt people who did not agree with their views. It got to the point where I had anxiety attacks just coming to my blog to post wondering what would be said or if it would be linked all across the internet for others to make fun of me. Also, not just those people involved in the incident at that place, but my stalker and my husbands stalker just lurking trying to find something to start trouble with. I just got to the point I hated blogging. Needless to say, I just stopped.

However, I feel the need right now to start blogging. Friends wonder what happened to me. Deneen is beside herself with worry and i realize not everyone who read my blog is on facebook so they do not have a means to keep up with my life so I decided to start blogging again.

there ya go…. the reason why I stopped…

Now, a lot has happened since I stopped blogging. Mainly, my husband got a new job and we have relocated to Northern Virginia. yeah that’s right, we live less than an hour away from the Nation’s Capital.  But it is not as bad as it sounds. We live in a small town, in fact we live out in the country and you would never know we are considered Washington DC metro… lol go figure… so far out in the country we cannot get cable yet so close to DC we are called metro. But I love where we live. My husband loves his new job and the boy has 4 acres of woods to place in.

We have only been moved about a month so I am still trying to figure out how to get a 12oo sq ft house full of stuff into a 900 sq ft rental lol. Another purge is in order. It has not been easy as my fibromyalgia and anxiety have ruled my life as of late. Every day life is pretty much pain wrecked and hard. Living has been really hard the majority of days and getting things done takes a lot out of me. So I may not post every day but I will try to keep this current.

Other things happening:

Still home schooling the boy, who is 7 going on 50 I think.

We went down to NC to see Sgt. P (Husband’s son) off to war, and we miss him horribly but he is doing well.

I am trying to reinvent myself to be a better wife and mother and live my life being productive living with chronic pain. I cannot hide how I feel any longer and I cannot use it as a reason not to do things.

Have done little crafting the past few months, with pain, and packing/unpacking etc I just have not had time or energy. but I am getting back into it again.

anyway…

that is about it for right now.

Thanks for reading.